Transcript of the President’s March 21, Good Friday press conference.

President: Good Morning. Today, I’d like to extend my best wishes to Christians all over the world on this day of solemn observance of the terrorist attack of 4-33. I have no further opening remarks and I’ll take your questions now.

Q. Mr. President, could you clarify what you mean by the “terrorist attack of 4-33 ”?

A. Yes, well, our intelligence indicates that the first Good Friday was in the month of April and around the year 33, so far as we can tell. And it appears the chief priests were your main conspirators. They were stirring up and manipulating the crowds o’ their supporters, which is sometimes called “the base.” They had a strategy for that. They were sort o’ like Karl Rove in that regard.

But the best intelligence the Israelis had at the time indicated that Barabbas was the man to back. He was kind o’ their Chalabi, you might say. So a whole lot o’ people shouted for Barabbas and they became known as the Barabbasynians. Or the Barabbasynesians. I’m not sure which. It was a long time ago.

But the latest intelligence reports I’ve seen all indicate it was the Romans who were nailing people to crosses, which makes them one o’ your biggest human rights violators. At least we think so. We’re still lookin’ into that. The attorney general is trying to determine if crucifixion is a form of torture. It’s worse than waterboarding, we know that.

But we plan no reprisals against the Romans. In fact, as I’m sure many of you know, some of my best friends are Eye-Italians. So there will be no attacks on Rome by the United States so long as I am president. But there’s no tellin’ what McCain might do.

Q. Mr. President. Considering the controversial statements made by Rev. Wright, Sen. Obama’s former pastor, could you speak to the question of what the relationship should be between politicians and the clergy in light of the First Amendment?

A. Well, I think Rev. Wright is wrong, first of all. God does not, and should not, damn America. And we have no indication that he plans to do that. And I’m sure God would not do that without first checkin’ with the vice president. Now, as far as Rev. Wright and Sen. Obama, I think we have to be fair about this. I don’t think anyone knows what Sen. McCain’s pastor says or what Sen. Clinton’s pastor says. I don’t always know what my pastor says. Now if a pastor is making a speech at a political rally or somethin’, that’s one thing. But if he’s preachin’ in church, that’s somethin’ else. So I don’t think you can hold a candidate reprehensible for what his pastor says when he’s pastorizing.

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Q. And what about the First Amendment, Mr. President?

A. Oh, well, I’m for it. I’m in favor o’ that.

Q. What I mean, sir, is, do you think there is a tendency today for some candidates for president to be too close to the clergy and that some clerics are getting too much involved in politics? Are we losing the separation between church and state?

A. Well, I’ve always been in favor of the separation of church and state. And what that means to me is, “Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s and to God the things that are God’s.” Now, I’m not God, as I think you all know. (Laughter) And I’m not Caesar, either. So I think that’s probably a question that would be better directed to the vice president.

Q. Mr. President is there any new information or any additional light to shed on the investigation that led to the charges against Gov. Spitzer?

A. Not at the present time, no. But we’ve asked the federal reserve chairman, Mr. Bernanke, to look into that and report back to us.

Q. Mr. Bernanke?

A. That’s right.

Q. But why is this a matter for the federal reserve chairman, Mr. President?

A. Well, we believe that anyone who spends as much money as Gov. Spitzer is alleged to have spent on the kind of activities he is alleged to have spent it on is probably fuelin’ the fires of inflation. Of course (chuckle), those aren’t the only fires he’s been fuelin’.

Q. Mr. President, a few years ago, when you announced the goal of sending Americans to Mars, some people said you hoped to find Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction there. (Laughter) Now they’re saying you’re hoping to find greater purchasing power for the dollar there. Would you care to comment on that?

A. No, not at this time. We’ve asked Mr. Bernanke to look into it and report back to NASA on that.

Q. Mr. President, after this week’s arguments at the Supreme Court, some people are saying it’s still not clear just how far your administration would extend the right to bear arms. Could you clarify that for us?

A. Well, we’re in favor of the right to bare arms. We feel if people wants to wear short sleeves or no sleeves at all, that’s not the business of the government to determine. So I guess you could say that the view of this administration is that the right to bare arms extends to the shoulders, so far as we can tell.

Q. But Mr. President—

A. Now my position is, I’ll admit, a little more equivocable on the right to bare legs, especially in our schools. Many schools have, as you know, dress codes to cover that—on whether they’re allowed to wear shorts or short skirts or whatever and whether the right to bare legs extends to the hips as some of our young ladies seem to think. And I would prefer to leave that up to the local school districts. But as a general rule, I believe the country would be safer if more responsible, law-abiding adults had guns and fewer people wore miniskirts.

Q. Mr. President---

A. Especially the men. Unless they’re playin’ bagpipes.

Q. Mr. President—

Does that clarify my position?

Q. As much as ever, Mr. President.

A. Good. Yes…back there.

Q. Mr. President, you have just 10 more months in office. Have you made any plans on what you will do after you leave the White House?

A. Well, after giving the matter some further thought, I’ve decided I’m not going to enlist to go fight in Afghanistan after all. (Laughter) I don’t think I meet the age requirement. So I’ll probably just relax at the ranch awhile. You know, it’s been a tough eight years. It’s hard work bein’ president. I imagine we’ll be working on my presidential library. And I’ll be workin’ on a book, of course.

Q. You’re going to read one, Mr. President?

A. Who let that guy in?

(Voice off camera) Thank you, Mr. President.

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